home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
ZAM 4
/
ZAM 4.adf
/
Articles
/
59
/
59
Wrap
Text File
|
1994-03-14
|
5KB
|
140 lines
CLASSIC JOKES PART 4
----------------------
What do women and airplanes have in common?
They both have cockpits!
Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and
one mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago.
"Was it a success?" asks the other.
"Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis,
and if his asshole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."
What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and
a moth ball in the other hand?
One hell of a big moth!
What's the name of a place where midgets can go and spend the night
without paying anything?
A stay free minipad.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Once a carrot and a dick were comparing their days. The carrot
said "What a day! They almost tried to cut me up for stew!"
The dick interrupted, "You think you had it rough! Today they woke
me up early, told me to stand at attention, put a bag over my head,
shoved me down a dark hole, and made me do push-ups until I puked!"
Once a carrt and a John Bobbits' dick were comparing days. The
carrot said "What a day! They almost tried to cut me up !"
The dick interrupted, "Almost ? Almost ? This woman cut me up
AND she chucked me out of a window !"
(That was one of mine! - Ed)
Frank and Matt at SpaceShot Software have been working on building
the Ultimate Computer for years now. When they finished last week
the first thing they asked it was, "Is there a God?"
The Computer replied, "There is now!"
What do you call a dog with no legs???
Doesn't matter - he won't come when you call anyway.
What do you call a dog with no legs???
Cigarette. Even though he won't come when you call,
you can always take him out for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no dick???
Doesn't matter - he won't come.
A truckers son was playing outside when the trucker decided to
watch TV. The boy soon came to the patio, slung the door open, ate a
jelly bean, bit the cat on the ear and ran off. He did this a few
more times until the dad stopped him and asked what he was doing. The
boy replied he was playing trucker. When the dad asked him to
explain the boy said, "I doing like a trucker, poppin pills, eating
pussy and haulin ass."
What is the definition of a REAL woman?
One who kick-starts her vibrator!
What's grey and comes in quarts?
Elephants
What's grey and comes in Landrovers?
Elephants
(Another one I've heard recently, so I thought I'd stick it in ! - Ed)
DEFINITION - Relaxation oscillator: Vibrator
What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer?
A fucking know-it-all.
What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?
A Hairy Reasoner!
Why did God create men?
Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb?
None, that's obviously a hardware problem.
Do you know what a (private) dentist is?
That's a guy who puts his hand in your wallet and says, "Open wide"
How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.
A woman went to her doctor for a physical exam. The doctor found
that she was in perfect health, but he couldn't figure something out.
He asked her what possible reason she could have for having wax in
her belly button. "My husband likes to eat by candlelight."
The man woke up in the hospital after a terrible car crash. He asked
the doctor, "What happened to me?" "Well," the doctor said, "I've
some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that both of your
legs are gone. "That's terrible," said the man. "What could
possibly be good after that?" "The good news is that those pesky
corns of yours are completely gone."
***
A construction worker was rushed to the hospital after cutting
himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc," said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the
second most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and
had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a
bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my balls." The doctor
winced, "That's awful. But tell me, what could be worse?"
"When I reached the end of the chain."
***
What should you do when an Elephant comes in your window?
Swim!
Have you read any of these?
Under The Grandstand by Seymore Butts
Spots On The Wall by Whuflung Poo
Run To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
Hawaiian Love Song by Comoniwanalayya
Russian Revenge by Ivan Kutchercockoff
Chinese Population Explosion by Weefuckem Yung
"Daddy, what does the word "POT" mean?"
"You just never mind that son," replied the father.
"Now unhook my bra for me!"
What's black and blue, and goes "ding-dong"?
A beat up Avon lady.
End !
If you've got some good jokes ! Hit the reply button and send ZAM
back to us with an SAE ! We will give you a replacement free !